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Snow-Bound. By John Greenleaf Whittier. 
Evangeline. By Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. 
Power, Wealth, Illusions. Essays by Ralph Waldo 
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JAMES R. OSGOOD & CO., 

Publishers, Boston. 



Mr. Nightingale's Diary. 



% /arte 



IN ONE ACT. 



By CHARLES DICKENS 




BOSTON: 

JAMES R. OSGOOD AND COMPANY, 

Late Ticknor &• Fields, and Fields, Osgood, & Co. 

1877. 









Copyright, 1877, by 

James R. Osgood & Co. 



University Press : Welch, Bigelow, & Co., 
Cambridtre. 



^(o-imi 




M 




First performed at Devo7ishire House ^ Lo7tdon, 1851. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 

MR. NIGHTINGALE .... Mr. Dudley Costello. 
MR. G^kB^LW^lGi {of the Middle 

Temple) " Charles Dickens. 

TIP {Ms Tiger) « Augustus Egg. 

SLAP {professioyially dfr.Formi- 

ville) " Mark Lemon. 

LITHERS {landlord of the Water- 

Lily ) " WiLKiE Collins. 

ROSINA Miss Ellen Chaplin. 

SUSAN Mrs. Coe. 



ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAET. 



SCENE I. 

The Common Room of the Water-Lily at Mal- 
vern. Boor and window in flat. A carriage 
stops. Door-bell rings violent It/. 

TIP {without). 
OW^then! Wai-ter! Landlord! 
Somebodj ! {Enters through door, 
with a quantity of luggage, meeting 
LiTHERS running in, L.) 

LITHERS. 

Here you are^ my boy. 

TIP {much offended). 

My boy ! Who are you boying of ! 




6 ME. NIGHTINGALE^S DIAEY. 

Don^t do it. I won^t have it. The 
worm will turn if it ^s trod upon. 

LITHERS. 

I never trod upon you. 

TIP. 

What do you mean by calling me a 
worm? 

LITHERS. 

You called yourself one. You ought 
to know what you are better than I do. 

GABBLEWIG (without). 

Has anybody seen that puppy of 
mine — answers to the name of ^^ Tip '^ 
— with a gold-lace collar ? {E?iters) O, 
here you are ! You scoundrel^ where 
have you been ? 

LITHERS. 

Good gracious me ! Why, if it ain^t 
Mr. Gabblewig, Junior ! 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 7 

GABBLEWIG. 

What^ Lithers ! Do you turn up at 
Malvern Wells^ of all the places upon 
earth ? 

LITHERS. 

Bless you^ sir^ I "^ve been landlord of 
this place these two years ! Ever since 
you did me that great kindness^ — ever 
since you paid out that execution for 
me when I was in the greengrocery 
w^ay^ and used to wait at your parties 
in the Temple — w^hich is five years ago 
come Christmas^ — I Ve been (through 
a little legacy my wife dropped into) 
in the public line. I^m overjoyed to 
see you^ sir. How do you do^ sir? 
Do you find yourself pretty well^ sir ? 

GABBLEWIG {moodily seating himself). 

IVhy^ 110; I can^t say I a7n pretty 
well. 



8 ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 

TIP. 

No more ain't I. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Be so good as to take those boots of 
yours into the kitchen/ sir. 

TIP (reluctantly). 

Yes, sir. 

GABBLEWIG. 

And the baggage into my bedroom. 

TIP. 

Yes^ sir. (Aside.) Here ^s a world ! 

\_Exii, L. 

LITHEES. 

The Queen^s Counsellor^ that is to be^ 
looks very down^ — uncommonly down. 
Something 's wrong. I wonder what it 
is. Can^t be debt. Don^t look like 
drinking. Hope it is n^t dice ! Ahem ! 
Beg your pardon^ Mr. Gabblewig, but 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAKY. 9 

you ^d wish, to dine^ sir ? He don^t 
hear. {Gets round, dusting the table as he 
goes, and at last stoops his head so as to come 
face to face with him) What would you 
choose for dinner^ Mr. Gabblewig ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

0^ ali^ yes ! Give me some cold veal. 

LITHERS. 

Cold veal ! He ''s out of his mind. 

GABBLEWIG. 

I ^m a miserable wretch. I was go- 
ing to be married. I am not going to 
be married. The young lady^s uncle 
refuses to consent. It ''s all off — all 
over — all up ! 

LITHEHS. 

But there are other ladies — 

GABBLEWIG. 

Don^t talk nonsense. 



10 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
LITHERS (aside). 

All the rest are cold veal, I suppose. 
{Aloud.) But^ — you ^11 excuse my tak- 
ing tlie liberty^ being so much beholden 
to you^ — but could n^t anything be 
done to get over the difficulty? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Nothing at all. How is it possible ? 
Do you know the nature of the nucleus 
objection ? But of course you don^t. 
I ''11 tell you. He says I speak too fast 
and am too slow^ — want reality of pur- 
pose^ and all that. He says I ''m all 
words. What the devil else does he 
suppose I can he, being a lawyer ! He 
says I happen to be counsel for his 
daughter just now^ but after marriage 
might be counsel for the opposite side. 
He says I am wanting in earnestness^ — - 
deficient in moral go-aheadism. 



ME. NIGHTINGALE^S DIAllY. 11 
LITHERS. 

In which ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Just SO. In consequence of which 
you behold before you a crushed flower. 
I am shut up and done for — the peace 
of the valley is fled — I have come 
down here to see if the cold-water cure 
will have any effect on a broken heart. 
Having had a course of wet blanket^ 
I am going to try the wet sheet. Dare 
say I shall finish erelong with a daisy 
counterpane. 

LITHERS (aside). 

Everybody "^s bit by the cold water. 
It will be the ruin of our business. 

GABBLEWIG. 

If the waters of Malvern were the 
waters of Lethe^ I^d take a douche 
forty feet high this afternoon^ and drink 



12 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

five-and-twenty tumblers before break- 
fast to-morrow morning. Anything to 
wash out the tormenting remembrance 
of Eosina Nightingale. 

LITHERS. 

Nightingale^ Mr. Gabblewig ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Nightingale. As the Shakespeare 
duet went in the happy days of our 
amateur plays : — 

" The Nightingale alone, 
She, poor bird, as all forlorn, 
Leaned her breast uptil a thorn." 

I Ve no doubt she ''s doing it at the 
present moment^ or leaning her head 
against the drawing-room Avindow^ look- 
ing across the Crescent. It''s all the 
same. 

LITHERS. 

The Crescent^ Mr. Gabblewig ? 



MR. NIGHTINGALE^'S DIARY. 13 
GABBLEWIG. 

The Crescent. 

LITHERS. 

Not of Bath? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Of Bath. 

LITHERS [feeling in his pocket). 
Good gracious ! {Glees letter.) Look 
at that^ sir. 

GABBLEWIG. 

The cramped hand of the obstinate old 
bird who mighty could^ and should have 
been^ and would n^t be my uncle-in- 
law. {Reads.) ^^ Christopher Nightingale^s 
compliments to the landlord of the 
Water-Lily, at Malvern Wells.' 



}j 



LITHERS. 

The present establishment. 

GABBLEWIG {reading), 

^^And hearing it is a quiet, unpre- 



14 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 

tendings well-conducted house^ requests 
to have the following rooms prepared 
for him on Tuesday afternoon/^ 

LITHERS. 

The present afternoon. 

GABBLEWIG {reading). 

^^ Namely^ a private sitting-room 
with 2i^^ — what ? a weed ? He don't 
smoke. 

LITHERS (looking over his shoulder). 

A view^ sir. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Oh ! ^^ with a view.''^ Ay^ ay. ^^ A 
bedroom for Christopher N. with a 
what ? with a wormy pew ? 

LITHERS (looking over his shoulder). 

A warming-pan. 



yy 



MR. NIGHTINGx^LE'S DIAEY. 15 
GABBLEWIG. 

To be sure ; but it ^s as like one as 
the other — ^^ with a warming-pan^ and 
two suitable chambers for Miss Eosina 
Nightingale/'' — Support me. 

LITHERS. 

Hold up^ Mr. Gabblewig. 

GABBLEWIG. 

You might knock me down with a 
feather. 

LITHERS. 

But you need n^t knock me down 
with a barrister. Hold up^ sir. 

GABBLEWIG {reading). 

" And her maid/'' Christopher Night- 
ingale intends to try the cold-water cure. 

LITHERS. 

I beg your pardon^ sir^ what^s his 
complaint ? 



16 ' MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
GABBLEWIG. 

Nothing. 

LITHEES {shaking head). 

He ^11 never get over it^ sir. Of all 
the invalids that come down here^ the 
invalids that have nothing the matter 
with them are the hopeless cases. 

GABBLE WIG {reading), 

^^ Cold-water cure^ having drunk (see 
diary) four hundred and sixty-seven 
gallons^ three pints and a half of the 
various celebrated waters of England 
and Germany^ and proved them to be 
all Humbugs. He has likewise proved 
(see diary) all Pills to be Humbugs. 
Miss Rosina Nightingale^ being rather 
low^ will also try the cold-water cure^ 
which will probably rouse her.^^ — 
Never. 

" Perhaps she, like me, may struggle with — " 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 17 

And I have no doabt of it^ Lithers, 
for she has the tenderest heart in the 
world — 

" Some feeling of regret," 

Awakened by the present mdividual. 

"But if she lov'd as I have lov'd," 

And I have no doubt she did and does, 

" She never can forget." 

And she won-^t, I feel convinced, if it ^s 
only in obstinacy. {Gives back letter.) 

LITHERS. 

Well, sir, what '11 you do? I'm 
entirely devoted to you and ready to 
serve you in any way. Will you have 
a ladder from the builders, and run 
away with the young lady in the middle 
of the night, or would the key of the 
street door be equally agreeable ? 



18 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAUY. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Neither. Can^t be done. If it could 
be done I should have done it at Bath. 
Grateful duty won^t admit of union 
without consent of uncle — uncle won^t 
give consent — stick won''t beat dog — 
dog won^t bite pig — pig won^t go over 
the stile — and so the lovers will never 
be married putting down as be/ore). Give 
me the cold veal^ and the day before 
yesterday^ s paper. {Exit lithers and re- 
turns immediately/ with ^ictpers.) 

SLAP (without). 
Halloo, here. Mv name is Formi- 
ville. Is Mr. Pormiville^s luggage 
arrived ? Several boxes were sent on 
beforehand for Mr. Formiville; are 
those boxes here ? {Entering at door, pre- 
ceded by LiTHERSj who bows him in.) Do 
you hear me^ my man? Has Mr. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 19 

Formiville^s luggage — I am Mr. For- 
miville — arrived ? 

LITHERS. 

Quite safely^ sir^ yesterday. Three 
boxeS; sir^ and a pair of foils. 

SLAP. 

And a pair of foils. The same. 
Yery good. Take this cap. (Lithers 
puts it down?) Good. Put these gloves 
in the cap (Lithers does so). Good. 
Give me the cap again^ it''s cold {he 
does so). Very good. Are you the 
landlord? 

LITHERS. 

I am Thomas Lithers^ the landlord^ 
sir. 

SLAP. 

Yery good. You write in the title- 
pages of all your books^ no doubt^ 



20 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

" Thomas Lithers is my name 
And landlord is my station, 
Malvern Wells my dwelling-place. 
And chalk my occupation." 

What have you got to eat^ my man ! 

LITHERS. 

"Well^ sir^ we could do you a nice 
steak^ or we could toss you up a cutlet^ 
or — 

SLAP. 

What have you ready dressed^ my 
man? 

LITHERS. 

We have a very fine York ham^ and 
a beautiful fowl^ sir — 

SLAP. 

Produce them ! Let the banquet be 
served — stay^ have you — 

LITHERS {rubbing hands). 

Well, siVy we have^ and I can 
strongly recommend it. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 21 
SLAP. 

To what may that remark refer^ my 
friend ? 

LITHE RS. 

I thought you mentioned Ehine wine^ 
sir. 

SLAP. 

truly^ yes^ I think I did. Yes^ 
I ''m sure I did. Is it very fine? 

LITHERS. 

It ^s uncommon fine, sir. Liebfrau- 
milch of the most delicious quality. 

SLAP. 

You may produce a flask. The price 
is no consideration^ {aside) as I shall 
never pay for it. 

LITHERS. 

Directly^ sir. [Exit. 



23 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
SLAP. 

So. He bites. He will be done. 
If he will be done lie must be done. 
I can^t help it. Thus men rush upon 
their fate. A stranger ! Hum ! Your 
servant^ sir. My name is Formiville — 

GABBLE WIG {who has previously observed him). 
Of several provincial theatres^ I be- 
lieve^ and formerly engaged to assist an 
amateur company at Bath^ under the 
management of — 

SLAP (with a theatrical pretence of being affected). 

Mr. Gabblewig ! Heavens ! This 
recognition is so sudden^ so unlooked- 
for — it unmans me. {Aside.) Owe 
him £ 15^ four shirts^ and a waistcoat. 
Hope he ^s forgotten the loan of those 
trifles. — sir^ if I drop a tear upon 
that hand — 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 23 
GABBLEWIG. 

Consider it done. Suppose the tear, 
as we used to say at rehearsal. How 
are you going on ? You have left the 
profession ? 

SLAP (aside). 

Or the profession left me. I either 
turned it off, or it turned me off; all 
one. (Aloud.) Yes, Mr. Gabblewig, I 
am now living on a little property — 
that is, have expectations — (aside) of 
doing an old gentleman. 

GABBLEWIG. 

I have my apprehensions, Mr. For- 
miville, otherwise, I believe, Mr. Slap — 

SLAP. 

Slap, sir, was my father^s name. 
Do not reproach me with the misfor- 
tunes of my ancestors. 



24 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
GABBLEWIG-. 

I was about to say^ Slap^ otherwise 
Formiville, that I have a very strong 
belief that you have been for some time 
established in the begging-letter- writing 
business. And when a gentleman of 
that description drops a tear on my 
hand^ my hand has a tendency to drop 
itseK on his nose. 

SLAP. 

I don^t understand you^ sir. 

GABBLEWIG. 

I see you don^t. Now the danger is 
that !_, Gabblewig^ may take the pro- 
fession of the law into my own hands, 
and eject Slap, otherwise Formiville, 
from the nearest casement or window, 
being at a height from the ground not 
exceeding five-and-twenty feet. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE»S DIARY. 25 

SLAP (angrily). 

Sir, I perceive how it is. A vindic- 
tive old person of the name of Nightin- 
gale^ who denounced me to the Men- 
dicity Society^ and who has pursued me 
in various ways,, has prejudiced your 
mind somehow^ publicly or privately, 
against an injured and calumniated vic- 
tim. But let that Nightingale beware. 
For, if the Nightingale is not a bird, 
though an old one, that I will catch 
yet once again with chaff, and clip the 
wings of, too, I ''m — {aside) Confound 
my temper, where ^s it running ? {Af- 
fects to weep in silence.) 

GABBLE WIG (aside). 

Oho ! That ^s what brings him here, 

is it ! A trap for the Nightingales ! 

I may show the old fellow that I have 

some purpose in me, after all. Those 



26 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

amateur dresses among my baggage — 
Lithers^s assistance — done. Mr. For- 
miville. 

SLAP {mill injured dignity). 

Sir? 

GABBLE WIG {taking up hat and stick). 

As I am not ambitious of the honor 
of your company^ I shall leave you in 
possession of this apartment. I believe 
that you are rather absent^ are you not ? 

SLAP. 

Sir^ I am^ rather so. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Exactly. Then you will do me the 
favor to observe that the spoons and 
forks of this establishment are the pri- 
vate property of the landlord. [KviL 

SLAP. 

And that man wallows in eight hun- 
dred a year ; and half that sum would 



ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAHY. 27 

make my wife and children^ if I had any, 
happy. {JEnter Lithees with tray on which 
are fowl, ham, bread, and glacises}) But 
arise, black vengeance, Nightingale shall 
suffer donbly. Nightingale found me 
out. When a man finds me out in 
imposing on him, I never forgive him, 
and when he don^t find me out, I never 
leave off imposing on him. Those are 
my principles. What, ho ! Wine here! 

LIT HERS {arranging table and chair). 

Wine coming, sir, directly. My 
young man has gone below for it. {Bell 
without) More company ! Mr. Night- 
ingale, beyond a doubt. {Showing hi 



im m 



at door.) This way, sir, if you please. 
Your letter received, sir, and your 
rooms prepared. 

SLAP {looking off melodramatically before seating him- 
self at table). 

Is that the malignant whom these 



28 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

eyes have never yet betasted with a 
look ? Caitiff^ tremble ! 

Sits as Nightingale e7iters with Kosina and 
Susan. Nightingale muffled in a shawl 
and carrying a great-coat. 

nightingale {to LITHEKS). 

That '11 do, thatni do. Don't bother, 
sir. I 'm nervous, and can't bear to 
be bothered. What I want is peace. 
Instead of peace, I 've got (looking at 
Rosina) what rhymes to it, and is n't at 
all like it. {Sits, covering his legs with his 
great-coat^ 

BOSINA. 

uncle, is it not enough that I am 
never to redeem those pledges which — 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Don't talk to me of redeeming 
pledges, as if I was a pawnbroker — 
Oh ! (starts). 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 29 
ROSINA. 

Are you ill^ sir ? 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Am I ever anything else^ ma^am? 
Here. Eefer to my diary {gives book), 
Rosina; save me the trouble of my 
glasses. See last Tuesday. 

ROSINA. 

I see it^ sir {turning over leaves). 

NIGHTINGALE. 

What ^s the afternoon entry ? 

EOSIXA (reads). 

New symptom. Crick in back. Sen- 
sation as if Self a stiff bootjack suddenly 
tried to be doubled up by strong person. 

NIGHTINGALE (starts again). 

Oh! 

ROSINA. 

Symptom repeated^ sir ? 



30 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
NIGHTINGALE. 

Symptom repeated. I must put it 
down. (Susan brings chair and produces 
screw iyikstand and pen from her pocket. 
Nightingale takes the book on his knee and 
writes.) Symptomrepeated — Oh! {Starts 
again.) Symptomrepeated {Writes again.) 
Mr. Lithers,, I believe. 

LITHERS. 

At your service^ sir. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Mr. Lithers^ I am a nervous man^ 
and require peace. We had better come 
to an understanding. I am a water 
patient^ but I ^11 pay for wine. You ^11 
be so good as to call the pump sherry 
at lunch^ port at dinner^ and brandy 
and water at nii^ht. Now be so kind as 
to direct the chambermaid to show this 
discontented young lady her room. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 31 
LITHERS. 

Certainly^ sir. This way, if you 
please, miss. (He whispers her ; she screams.) 

NIGHTINGALE {alarmed). 

What "'s the matter ? 

BOSINA. 

uncle! I felt as if — don^t be 
frightened, uncle — as if something had 
touched me here {hand on heart) so unex- 
pectedly that I — don^t be frightened, 
uncle — that I almost dropped, uncle. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Lord bless me ! Bootjack and strong 
person contagious ! Susan, a mouthful 
of ink, {Dips his pen in her iyikstand and 
writes.) Symptom shortly afterwards re- 
peated in niece. Susan, you don^t feel 
anything particular, do you ? 



32 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

SUSAN. 

Nothing whatever^ sir. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

You never do. You are the most 
aggravating young person in the world. 

SUSAN. 

Lor^ sir^ you would n^t wish a party 
ill^ I ''m sure. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Ill ! you are ill^ if you only knew it. 
If you were as intimate with your own 
interior as I am with mine^ your hair 
would stand on end. 

SUSAN. 

Then I ^m very glad of my ignorance, 
sir, for I wish it to keep in curl. Now, 
Miss Rosina. {JExit Eosina, making a sign 
of secrecy to Lithers, who goes before^ Oho ! 
there ^s something in the wind that ^s 
not the bootjack. \_Exit. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 33 

NIGHTINGALE (seated). 

There ^s a man yonder eating his 
dinner as if he enjoyed it. I should say 
from his figure that he generally did 
enjoy his dinner. I wish I did. I 
wonder whether there is anything that 
would do me good. I haye tried hot 
water^ and hot mud, and hot vapor, and 
have imbibed all sorts of springs from 
zero to boiling, and have gone com- 
pletely through the pharmacopoeia, yet 
I don^t find myself a bit better. My 
diary is my only comfort {putting it into 
his great-coat, unconsciously drops it) . When 
I began to book my symptoms, and to 
refer back of an evening, then I began 
to find out my true condition. Oh ! 
{Smarts,) That^s a new symptom. Lord 
bless me ! Sensation as if a small train 
of gunpowder sprinkled from left hip 
to ankle, and exploded by successful 



34 ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

Guy Fawkes. I must book it at once, 
or I shall be taken Avith something else 
before it ^s entered. Susan, another 
mouthful of ink ! Most extraordinary ! 

Slap cautiously approaches the diary ; as he 
does so Gabblewig looks in and listens. 

SLAP. 

What ^s this ? hum ! A diarv — re- 
markable passion for pills, and quite a 
furor for doctors — Yery unconjugal 
allusions to Mrs. Nightingale. Poor 
Maria ! most valuable of sisters ; to me 
an annuity, to your husband a torment- 
or. Hum ! shall I bleed him ? meta- 
phorically bleed him. Why not ? He 
never regarded the claims of kindred, 
why should I ? He returns {puts down 
book). 

Re-enter Nightingale, looking about. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAHY. 35 
NIGHTINGALE. 

Bless my hearty I We left my diary 
somewhere ! O^ here is the precious 
volume^ no doubt where I dropped it 
(picks uj) book). If the stranger had 
opened it^ what information he might 
have acquired. He M have found in it, 
by analogy, things concerning himself 
that he little dreams of. He has no 
idea how ill he is, or how thin he ought 
to be. [Exit, 

SLAP. 

Now, then {tucking up wristbands), for 
the fowl in earnest. Where is that 
wine ? Hallo, where is that wine ? 

Enter Gabblewig as Boots. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Here you are, sir. {Starting) "What do 
I behold ! Mr. Formiville ! the immi- 
nent tragedian ! 



36 MR. NIGHTINGALE^S DIARY. 

SLAP. 

Who the devil are you ? Keep off ! 

GABBLEWIG. 

What ! don^t jou. remember me^ sir ? 

SLAP. 

No. I don''t indeed. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Not wen I carried a banner with a 
silver dragon on it^, when you played 
the Tartar prince at What ^s-his-name^s ? 
and wen you used to bring the house 
down with that there pint about re- 
wenge^ you know ? 

SLAP. 

What ! Do you mean when I struck 
the attitude^ and said — Ar-recreant ! 
The Per-rincess and r-r-revenge are both 
my own! She is my per-risoner — 
Tereemble ! 



MU. NIGHTIXGALE'S DIARY. 37 
GABBLEWIG. 

Never! this is to decide. (They go 
through the motions of a broadsword combat. 
Slap having been run through the bodg sits 
down and begins to eat voracioushj. Gabble- 
wig, icho has kejjt the bottle all the lohile sits 
opposite to him at table.) Ah^ lor bless me^ 
what an actor you was ! {Drinks.) That's 
what I call the true tragic fire^ when 
vou strike it out of the swords. Give 
me showers of sparks^ and then I know 
what you are up to. Lor bless me^ the 
way I Ve seen you perspire ! I shall 
never see such a actor agin. 

SLAP {complacently), 

I think you remember me. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Think ! Why don-'t you remember 
when you left Taunton without paying 
that there washerwoman^ and wen she — • 



38 ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
SLAP. 

You need n^t proceed^ it ^s quite clear 
you remember me. 

GABBLE WIG {drinks again). 

Lor bless your heart,, yes^ wliat a 
actor you was ! What a Eomeo you 
was^ you know ! {Drinks again) 

SLAP. 

I believe there was something in me^ 
as Eomeo. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Ah^ and something of you too. The 
Montagues was a fine family when you 
w^as the lightest weight among ''em. 
And lor bless my soul^ what a Prince 
Henry you was ! I see you a drinking 
the sack now^ I do {drinks again). 

SLAP. 

I beg your pardon^ my friend^ is that 
my wine ? 



ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 39 

GABBLEWIG {affecting to meditate and drinking 
again). 

Lor bless me^ what a actor ! I seem 
to go into a trance like when I think of 
it. {Is filling his glass again when Slap comes 
round and takes the bottle?) I ''11 give you 
Formiville and the Draymer ! Hooray ! 
{Brinks^ and then takes a leg of the fowl in his 
fingers ; Slap removes the dish?) 

SLAP {aside). 

At least he does n^t know that I was 
turned out of the company in disgrace. 
That ''s something. Are you the waiter 
here^ my cool but discriminative ac- 
quaintance ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Well^ I ^m a sort of waiter and a sort 
of half -boots. I was with a Travelling 
Circus arter I left you. The riders ! 
the riders ! Be in time^ be in time. 
Now^ Mr. Merryman^ all in to begin. 



40 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

All that yon know. Bnt I shall never 
see acting no more. It went right out 
with you^ bless yon ! {All through this dia- 
logue lohenever Slap in a moment of confidence 
replaces the fowl or wine Gabblewig hel]^8 
himself?^ 

SLAP (aside). 

1^11 pnmp him — rule in life. When- 
ever no other work on hand^ pump. 
(To him.) I forget your name. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Bit, Charley Bit. That's my real 
name. When I first went on with the 
banners I was Blitheringtonfordbury. 
But they said it came so expensive in 
the printing that I left it oft'. 

SLAP. 

Much business done in this house ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Wery flat ! 



MU. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 41 
SLAP. 

Old gentleman in nankeen trousers 
been here long ? 

GABBLE WIG. 

Just come. What do you think I Ve 
heard? S^posed to be a bachelor^ but 
got a wife. 

SLAP. 

No! 

GABBLEWIG. 

Yes. 

SLAP. 

Got a wife^ eh ! ha^ ha^ ha ! You ^re 
as sharp as a lancet. Ha^ ha^ ha ! 
Yes^ yes^ no doubt. Got a wife. Yes, 
yes. 

GABBLEWIG (aside). 

Eh ! A flash ! The intense enjoy- 
ment of my friend suggests to me that 
old Nightingale has n^t got a wife ; that 
he ^s free but does n^'t know it. Fraud. 



43 MU. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 

Mum. {To him,) I say you ^re a — but 
Lor bless my soul^ wot a actor you was! 

SLAP. 

It ^s really toucliing^ his relapsing 
into that ! But I can^t indulge him^ 
poor fellow ! My time is precious. 
You were going to say — • 

GABBLEWIG-. 

I was going to say you are up to a 
thing or two^ and so — but^ Lor bless my 
heart alive^ what a Richard Third you 
was ! Wen you used to come the slid- 
ing business^ you know — {both startinj 
uj) and doing it), 

SLAP. 

This child of nature positively has 
judgment. It was one of my effects. 
Calm yourself^ my good fellow. And so 
you were observing — 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 43 

GABBLE WIG [close to him in a sudden whisper.) 

And so I ^11 tell you. He has n^t 
really got a wife. She ''s dead. (Slap 
starts. GA.-QBij-E.wm aside.) I'^m right. He 
knows it. Mrs. Nightingale ''s as dead 
as a door nail. 

A pause ; ihey stand close together lookhig at 
each other. 

SLAP. 

Indeed ! (Gabblewig nods) Some piece 
of cunnings I suppose. (Gabblewig winks) 
Buried somewhere^ of course ? (Gabble- 
wig lays his fingers on his nose.) Where ? 
(Gabblewig looks disconcerted) All "'s safe. 
No proof. {Aloud) Take away. 

gabblewig (as he goes to table). 

Too sudden on my part. Formiville 
wins first knock-down blow. Never 
mind. Gabblewig^ up again and at 



44 ME,. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

llim once more. {Clears table and takes 
away tray?) 

SLAP. 

How does he know ? He ^s in the 
market. Shall I buy him? Not yet. 
Necessity not proved. With Nightin- 
gale here^ and my dramatic trniiks up 
stairs^ I ^11 strike at least another blow 
on the hot iron for mvself, before I 
think of taking a partner into the forge. 

\_Exit, 
As Gabblewig returns^ enter Susan. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Susan^ Susan ! 

SUSAN. 

Susan, indeed ! Well, diffidence ain^t 
the prevailing complaint at Malvern ! 

GABBLEWIG. 

Don^t you know me ? Mr. Gabble — 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 45 

SUSAX. 

Wig ! Why, la^ sir^ then yoio ^re the 
bootjack. Now I understand^ of course. 

GABBLEWIG. 

More than I do ! I the bootjack ! 
Susan^ listen. Did you know that Mr, 
Nightingale had been married ? 

SUSAN. 

Whjy I never heard it exactly. 

GABBLEWIG. 

But youVe seen it^ perhaps; had a 
peep into that eternal diary^ eh ? 

SUSAN. 

Well^ sir^ to say the pious truths I 
did read one day something or another 
about a — a wife. You see he married 
a wife when he was very young. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Yes. 



46 MU. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
SUSAN. 

And she was the plague of his life 
ever afterwards. 

GABBLEWIG. 

O^ Eosina,, can such things be ? Yes. 
Susan^ I think you are a native of Mal- 
vern. 

SUSAN. 

Yes^ sir^ leastways I was so before I 
went to London. 

GABBLEWIG. 

You persuaded Mr. Nightingale to 
come down here in order that he might 
try the water-cure. 

SUSAN. 

La^ sir. 

GABBLEWIG. 

And in order that you might see 
your relations. 

SUSAN. 

La^ sir^ how did vou know that? 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIATIY. 47 
GABBLEWIG. 

Knowledge of human nature^ Susan. 
Now rub up your memory and tell me^ 
did you ever know a Mrs. Nightingale 
who lived down here? Think — your 
eyes brighten^ you smile^ you did know a 
Mrs. Nightingale who lived down here. 

SUSAN. 

To be sure I did^ sir^ but that could 
never have been — 

GABBLEWIG. 

Your master^s wife? I suspect she 
was. She died ? 

SUSAN. 

Yes^ sir. 

GABBLEWIG. 

And was buried — 

SUSAN. 

You know everything. 



48 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAUY. 
GABBLEWIG. 

In — 

SUSAN. 

"Wliy^ in Pershore Churchyard; my 
uncle was sexton there. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Uncle living ? 

SUSAN. 

Ninety years of age. With a trum- 
pet — 

GABBLEWIG. 

That he plays on ? 

SUSAN. 

Plays on ? No. Hears with. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Good. Susan^ make it your business 
to get me a certificate of the old lady^s 
deaths and that within an hour. 

SUSAN. 

Why, sir? 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 49 
GABBLEWIG. 

Siisan^ I suspect the old lady walks^ 
and I intend to lay her ghost. You 
ask how ? 

SUSAN. 

No_, sir^ I did n^t. 

GABBLE WIG. 

You thought it. That you shall 
know by and by. Here comes the 
old bird. Fly ! {exit Susan) whilst I 
reconnoitre the enemy. \Exit. 

Enter Nightingale and Rosina. 

ROSINA. 

My dear uncle^ W^Jy ^^ nothing rash. 
You are in capital health at present^ 
and who knows what the doctors may 
make of you ? 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Capital health ! I have n^t known a 
day^s health these twenty years {refers to 



50 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

diary). January 6th^ 1834. Pain in 
right thumb. Query^ gout. Send for 
Blair^s pills. Take six. Can^t sleep 
all night ; doze about seven {turns over 
leaf). March 12, 1889. Violent cough. 
Query, damp umbrella, left by church- 
rates in hall. Try lozenges. Bed at 
six. Gruel. Tallow nose. Dream of 
general illumination. March 13th. 
Miserable. Cold always makes me mis- 
erable. Receive a letter from Mrs. 
Night — hem ! 

ROSINA. 

What did you say, sir ? 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Have the nightmare, my dear. {Aside.) 
Nearly betrayed myself. {Aloud.) You 
hear this, and you talk about capital 
health to a sufferer like me. {Enter Slap 
dressed as a smug phi/sician ; he appears to 
be looking about the room.) O, my spirits. 



MU. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAUY. 51 

my spirits ! I wonder what water will 
do for them. 

ROSINA. 

"Why^ reduce them^ of course. Ah^ 
my dear uncle^ I often think I am the 
cause of your disquietudes. I often 
think that I ought to marry. 

NIGHTrN^GALE. 

Very kind of you^ my dear. {Enter 
Gabble WIG with a very targe tumbler ofioater?) 
O, all rights yo^ng man. I had better 
begin. So you think that you really 
ought^ my love^ purely on my account^ 
to marry a magpie^ don^t yon ? (Gabble- 
wig starts and spills water over Nightingale.) 
What are you about ? 

gabblewig. 
I beg pardon^ sir. {Aside to Rosina.) 
Bless you. 



52 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAUY. 
ROSINA. 

Ah^ Gab ! — uncle^ don^t be fright- 
ened — but — 

NIGHTINGALE {about to drM, spills water). 

Eeturn of bootjack and strong per- 
son ! I declare^ I ''m taking all this 
water externally when I ought to — 

SLAP {seizing his hand), 

Eash man^ forbear. Drain that chal- 
ice^ and your life ^s not worth a bodkin. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Dear me^ sir^ it ^s only water. I "'m 
merely a pump patient. 

Gabblewig and Eosina s^jeak aside hurriedly, 

SLAP. 

Persevere^ and twelve men of Mal- 
vern ^dll sit upon you in less than a 
week^ and, without retiring, will bring 
in a verdict of ^' Found drowned.''^ 



ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 53 

GABBLEWIG {aside to bosina). 

I have my cue^ follow me clirectlJ^ 
I "11 bring you another glass^ sir^ in 
quarter of an hour. 

lFa:iL ^o^t^k steals after him. 

SLAP. 

A most debilitated pulse {taking aicay 
tcater), great Avant of coagulum — lym- 
phitic to an alarming degree. Stamina 
{strikes him gently) weak^ decidedly weak. 

NIGHTIKGALE. 

Eight ! Always was^ sir. In ^48^ — 
I think it was "48. {Refers.) Yes^ here it 
is. {Reads.) Dyspeptic. Feel as if kit- 
ten at play within me. Try chalk and 
pea-flour. 

SLAP. 

And grow worse. 



54 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
NIGHTINGALE. 

Astonishing ! I did — yes. (Reads.) 
Fever. Have head shaved. 

SLAP. 

And grow worse. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Amazing ! Sir^ you read me like a 
book. As there appears to be no 
dry remedy for my unfortunate case^ I 
thought I^d try a wet one^ and here 
I am, at the cold water. 

SLAP. 

Water, unless in combination with 
alcohol, is poison to you. You want 
blood. In man there are two kinds of 
blood. One in a vessel called a vein, 
hence venous blood. The other in 
the vessel called artery, hence arterial 
blood; the one dark, the other bright. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 55 

Now^ sir, the crassamentum of your 
blood is injured by too much water. 
How shall we thicken it, sir ? {Produces 
bottle.) By mustard and milk. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Mustard and milk ! 

SLAP. 

Mustard and milk, sir, exhibited with 
a balsam known only to myself. {Aside.) 
Eum. {Aloud) Single bottles, one guinea. 
Case of twelve, ten pounds. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Mustard and milk ! I don^t think I 
ever tried — Eh — yes. {Ojoens diary) 
1836. I recollect I once took — I 
took — O, ah, — Two quarts of mus- 
tard-seed, fasting. 

SLAP. 

Pish ! 



56 ME,. NIGHTINGALE»S DIARY. 
NIGHTINGALE. 

And you'^d really advise me not to 
take water ? 

Eater Gabblewig and Rosina in walking- 
dresses, thick shoes, etc. They keep walking 
about during the following. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Who says don^t take water? Who 
says so ? 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Why^ this gentleman^ who is evi- 
dently a man of science. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Psha ! Eh^ dear ! Not take water ! 
Look at us. Look at ns^ Mr. and 
Mrs. Poulter. Six months ago I never 
took water^ did I^, dear ? 



HOSINA. 

Never. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 57 
GABBLEWIG. 

Hated it. Always washed in gin and 
water^ and shaved with spirits of wdne. 
Didn^tl, dear? 

BOSINA. 

Always. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Then what was I ? What were we, 
I may say, my precious ? 

BOSII^A. 

Yon may. 

GABBLEWIG. 

A flabby^ dabby couple^ like a pair 
of wet leather gloves; no energy, no 
muscle, no go-ahead. Now you see 
w^hat we are. dear ! Ten miles be- 
fore breakfast — home — gallon of water 
— ten miles more — gallon of water 
and leg of mutton — ten miles more — 
gallon of w^ater — In fact, we ^re 
never quiet, are we^ dear ? 



58 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
ROSINA. 

Never. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Walk in our sleep sometimes ; can^t 
walk enough, that ^s a fact, eh, dear ? 

ROSINA. 

Yes, dear. 

SLAP. 

Confound this fellow, he ^U spoil all. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

"Well, sir, if you really could pull up 
for a few minutes, I should be obliged 
to you. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Here we are, then; don^t keep us 
long. {Looks at watch, Rosina does same.) 
Say a minute, chronometer time. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

You must know I ^n an invalid. 



MU. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 59 
GABBLE WIG. 

Five seconds. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Come down here to try the cold- 
water cure. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Ten seconds. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Dear me^ I wish you would n^t keep 
counting the time in that w^ay^ it in- 
creases my nervousness. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Can^t help it^ sir — twenty seconds 
— go on^ sir. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Well^ sir^ this gentleman tells me 
that my cranerany — 

SLA.P. 

Cras. Crassamentum must not be 
made too sloppy. 



60 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAHY. 
NIGHTINGALE. 

And thereby he advises^ sir — 

GABBLE WIG. 

Forty seconds^ eh^ dear ? {Show watches 
to each other.) 

ROSINA. 

Yes^ dear. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

I wish you would n^t — And that 
he advises me to try mustard and milk, 
sir. 

SLAP. 

In combination with a rare balsam 
known only to myself. One guinea a 
bottle. Case of twelve^ ten pounds. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Time ^s up. {Walks again.) My dar- 
ling, mustard and milk ! Eh^ dear ? 
Don^t we know a case of mustard and 
milk? Captain Blower^ late sixteen 



MU. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAHY. 61 

stone^ now ten and one half^ all mustard 
and milk. 

SLAP (aside). 

Can anybody have tried it ? 

GABBLE WIG [to NIGHTINGALE). 

Don^t be done ; if I see Blower I ^11 
send him to you — can^t stop longer^ 
ten miles and a gallon to do before 
dinner. Leg of mutton and gallon at 
dinner. Five miles and a wet sheet 

after dinner. Come^ dear. 

[Exeunt. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

A very remarkable couple. "What 
do you think now^ sir ? 

SLAP. 

Thinks sir? I think^ sir^ that any 
man who professes to walk ten miles 
a day is a humbugs sir. I could n^t 
do it. 



63 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
NIGHTINGALE. 

But then the lady — ■ 

SLAP. 

I grieve to say that I think she is a 
humbugess. Those people^ my dear 
sir^ are sent about as cheerful examples 
of the effects of cold water. Regularly 
paid^ sir^ to waylay new-comerso 

NIGHTINGALE. 

La^ do you think so ? Do you think 
there are people base enough to trade 
upon human infirmities? 

SLAP. 

Think so ! I know it. There are 
men base enough to stand between you 
(shows, bottle) and perfect health (shakes 
bottle), who would persuade you that 
perpetual juvenility was dear at one 
pound one a bottle^ and that a green old 



ME,. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 63 

old age of one hundred and twenty was 
not worth ten pounds the case. That 
perambulathig water-cart is such a 
man. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Wretch ! What an escape I \e had. 
My dear doctor — you are a doctor ? 

SLAP. 

D. D. and M. D. and correspondmg 
member of the Mendicity Society. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Mendicity ! 

SLAP. 

Medical. (Aside.) What a slip ! 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Then I shall be happy to try a bottle 
to begin w^ith. (Gives money.) 

SLAP. 

Ah^ one bottle. (Gives hottle?) I Ve 



64 MR. NIGHTINGALE»S DIARY. 

confidence in your case; you'^ve none 
in mine. All ! well ! 



NIGHTINGALE. 

A case be it^ tlien^ and I ^11 pay the 
money at once. Permit me to try a 
little of the mixture. {Drinks.) It ''s 
not very agreeable. I think I ^U make 
a note in my diary of my first sensa- 
tions. 

Enter Gabblewig as a great Invalid, E-OSINA 
as an old nurse, 

gabblewig (calling). 

Eosina^ quick^ your arm. (Aloud.) 
I tell you^ Mrs. Trusty^ I can ^t walk 
any further. 

B.OSINA. 

Now do try^ sir; we are not a quarter 
of a mile from home. 



Mil. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 65 
GABBLEWIG. 

A quarter of a mile ! Wliy^ that ^s a 
day''s journey to a man in my condition ! 

KOSINA. 

dear^ what shall I do ? 

NIGHTINGALE. 

You seem very ill^ sir ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Very^ sir. I '^m a snuffy sir^ a mere 
snuffy flickering before I go out. 

KOSINA. 

sir^ pray don^'t die here ; try and 
get home and go out comfortably. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Did you ever hear of such inhu- 
manity? And yet this woman has 
lived on board wages at my expense for 
thirty years. 



66 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
]SriGHTINGALE. 

My dear sir^ here^s a very clever 
friend of mine who may be of service. 

GABBLE WIG. 

I fear not^ I fear not. I^^e tried 
everything. 

SLAP. 

Perhaps not every thing. Pulse very 
debilitated^ great want of coagulum^ 
lymphitic to an alarming degree^ stam- 
ina w^eak^ decidedly weak. 

GABBLEWIG. 

I don ^t want you to tell me that^ sir. 

SLAP. 

Crassamentum queer^ very queer. No 
hope but in mustard and milk. 

GABBLEWIG (starling up). 

Mustard and milk ! 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 67 
EOSINA. 

Mustard and milk ! 

SLAP (aside). 

Is this Captain Blower ? 

GABBLE WIG (tO NIGHTINGALE ). 

Are you too a victim? Have you 
swallowed any of tliat man- slaughtering 
compound ? 

NIGHTINGALE {alarmed). 

Only a little^ a very little. 

GABBLEWIG. 

How do you feel ? Dimness of sight, 
feebleness of limbs ? 

NIGHTINGALE (alarmed). 

Not at present. 

GABBLEWIG. 

But you will, sir, you will. You ^d 



68 ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAHY. 

never think I once rivalled tliat person 
in rotundity. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Never. 

ROSIN A. 

But he ^11 never do it again, he ^11 
never do it again. 

GABBLEWIG. 

YouM never think that Madame 
Tussaud wanted to model my leg, and 
announce it as an extraordinary addi- 
tion. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

I certainly should not have thought 
it. 

GABBLEWIG. 

She might now put it in the chamber 
of horrors. Look at it ! 

KOSINA. 

It ^s nothing at all out of the flannel, 
sir ? 



MR. nightingale\s diahy. 69 

GABBLE WIG. 

All mustard and milk^ sir. I ^m 
nothing but mustard and milk. 

IflGHTIXGALE (seizes slap). 

You scoundrel ! and to this state you 
would have reduced me. 

SLAP. 

0^ this is some trick, sir, some cheat 
of the water doctors. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Why, you won ^t tell me that he ''s 
intended as a cheerful example of the 
effects of cold water ? 

SLAP. 

I never said he was, he ''s one of the 
failures; but as two of a trade can 
never agree, I ^11 go somewhere else and 
spend your guinea. [KviL 



70 MR. NIGHTINGALE^S DLIHY. 
GAEELEWIG (in Ms own voice). 

What a brazen knave ! Second 
knock-down blow to Gabblewig. Bet- 
ting even. Anybody^s battle. Gabble- 
wig came up smiling and at liim again. 

NIGHTINGALE {goes up to GaBBLEWIG). 

My dear sir^ what do I not owe you? 
(Skates hands.) 

GABBLEWIG. 

0^ don ^t do that^ sir^ I shall tumble 
to pieces like a fantoccini figure if 
you do. I am only hung together by 
threads. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

But let me know the name of my 
preserver^ that I may enter it in my 
diary. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Captain Blower^ E. N. (Nightingale 
writes.) I am happy to have rescued 
you from that quack. I declare the 



ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 71 

excitement has done me good. Eosi — 
Mrs. Trusty^ I think I can walk now. 

BOSINA. 

That ^s right; sir^ lean upon me ! 

GABELEWIG. 

Oh ! Oh ! 

NIGHTINGALE. 

What ''s the matter,, Captain Blower ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

That ^s the milk^ sir. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Dear me^ Captain Blower ! 

GABBLEWIG. 

And that ^s the mustard^ sir. 

[Exit with RosiNA. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Eeallj; this will be the most eventful 
day in mj diary except one^ that day 



72 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

which consigned me to Mrs. Nightin- 
gale and twenty years of misery. I 
have n'^t seen her for nineteen^ though 
I have periodical reminders that she is 
still in the land of the living, in the 
shape of quarterly payments of £25, 
clear of income tax. Well, I ^m used 
to it ; and so that I never see her face 
again I ^m content. I ^11 go find Eo- 
sina and tell her what has happened. 
Quite an escape, I declare. [Exit, 

SUSAN (entering y in bonnet y etc.). 
What a wicked world this is, to be 
sure ! Everybody seems to be trying 
to do the best they can for themselves, 
and, what makes it worse, the complaint 
seems to be catching, for I ^m sure I 
can^t help telling Mr. Gabblewig what 
a traitor that Tip is. I hope Mr. Gab- 
blewig won ^t come in my way and 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 73 

tempt me. Ah^ here he is^ and I^m 
sure I shall fall. 

Eater Gabblewig. 
Well^ Susan^ have you got the cer- 
tificate ? 

susA:>f. 

No^ sir^ but uncle has^ and he ^11 be 
here directly. O sir^ if you knew what 
I Ve heard ! 

GABBLEWIG. 

What? 

SUSAN. 

I "^m sure you ^d give half a sovereign 
to hear, I ''m sure you would. 

GABBLEWIG. 

I ^m sure I should^ and there ^s the 
money. 

SUSAN. 

Well^ sir, your man Tip ^s a traitor, 
sir, a conspirator, sir. I overheard him 
and another plannnig some deception. 



74 ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY, 



I could n^t quite make out what^ but I 
know it ^s something to deceive Mr. 
Nightingale. 

GABBLEWIG. 

rind out with all speed what this 
scheme is about^ and let me know. 
Who ''s that mountain in petticoats ? 
Slap^ or I ''m not Gabblewig. 

SUSAN. 

And with him Tip^ or I ^m not Suian. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Another flash ! I guess it all. Su- 
san^ your mistress will instruct you 
what to do. Vanish^ sweet spirit. 

[Exeunt Gabblewig and Susan. 

Enter Slap in female attire; he looks cautiously 
ahout. 

SLAP. 

I hope he ^s not gone out. I Ve a 
presentiment that my good luck is de- 



ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 75 

serting me ; but before we do part com- 
pany I ■'11 make a bold dasli^ and secure 
something to carry on with. Now, 
Calomel, I mean Mercury, befriend me. 

Enter Lithers. 

LITHERS. 

Did you ring, ma^am ? 

SLAP. 

Yes, young man. I wish to speak 
with a Mr. Nightingale, an elderly gent, 
who arrived this morning. 

LITHEHS. 

What name, ma^am ? 

SLAP. 

Name no consequence, say I come 
from M^ria. 

LITHERS. 

MMa? 



76 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
SLAP. 

M^ria^ a mutual friend of mine and 
Mr. Niglitingale^s^ one he ought not to 
be ashamed of. 

LITHERS. 

Yes^ ma^am. {Aside.) Mr. Gabble- 
wig ^s right. \_Exlt. 

SLAP. 

M^ria has been dead these twelve 
years^ during which time my victim lias 
paid her allowance ivith commendable 
regularity to me^ her only surviving 
brother. Ah^ I thought that name was 
irresistible^ and here he is. {Enter Night- 
ingale.) His trepidation is cheering. 
He ^11 bleed freely ! What a lamb it is. 
{Courtesies as he comes down.) Your ser- 
vant^ sir. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Now don^t lose a moment; you say 
you come from Maria — what Maria ? 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 77 
SLAP. 

Your M'ria. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

I am sorry to acknowledge tlie re- 
sponsibility. 

SLAP. 

Ah, sir, that poor creature ^s mucli 
changed, sir. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

For the worse, of course. 

SLAP. 

I "m afraid so. No gin now, sir. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Then it ^s brandy. 

SLAP. 

Lives on it, sir, and breaks more 
windows than ever. She 's heard that 
you Ve come down here. 



78 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
NIGHTINGALE. 

So I suppose^ by this visit. 

SLAP. 

,Slie lives atout a mile from Malvern. 

NIGHTINGALE (starts). 

"What ! I thought she was down in 
Yorkshire. 

SLAP. 

Was and is is two different things. 
She wanted for to come and see jou. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

If she does I ^11 stop her allowance. 

SLAP. 

And have her call every day? M^ria^s 
my friend ; but I know that would n^t 
be pleasant. She ^d a proposal to make; 
so^ M^ria^ says I, I ^11 see your lawful 
husband^ as you is^ sir^ and propose for 
you. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 79 
NIGHTINGALE. 

I ''U listen to notliing. 

SLAP. 

Not if it puts the sad sea waves be- 
tween you and M^ria forever ? 

NIGHTINGALE {interested) » 

Eh? 

SLAP. 

You know she ''d a brother^ an excel- 
lent young man^ who went to America 
ten years ago. 

NIGHTINGALE (takes out diary), 
I know. (Beads aside.) 16th May, 
1841, sent £ 50 to Mrs. N.'s vagabond 
brother going to America. Query, to 
the devil ? 

SLAP. 

He ''s written to M^'ria, to say that if 
you ■'ll give her £ 200, and she ^11 come 
out, he ''U take care of her forever. 



80 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. , 



NIGHTINGALE. 

Done. It ^s a bargain. 



SLAP. 

He bites! — and her son for £100 
more. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

What son ? 

SLAP. 

Ah^ sir^ you don^t know your bless- 
ings. Shortly after you and M^'ria 
separated a son was born. But M^ria^ 
to revenge herself^ which was wrongs — 
O^ it was WTong in her^ that was^ — 
never let you know it^ but sent him to 
the workus^ as a fondling she had re- 
ceived in a basket. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

I don^t believe a word of it. 

SLAP. 

She said you would n^t. But seeing 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAEY. 81 

is believing^ so I''ve brought the innocent 
along with me ; I Ve got the pretty here. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Here^ in your pocket ? 

SLAP. 

No^ at the door. (They rise.) 

NIGHTINGALE. 

At the door ! 

SLAP. 

Come in^ Christopher. Named after 
you^ sir ; for^ spite of M^ria^s feelings_, 
you divided her heart with Old Tom. 
(Enter Tip as Charity Boy) 

NIGHTINGALE. 

nonsense ! 

SLAP. 

Christopher^ behold your par. (Boxes 
him) What do you stand there for like 
a eight-day clock or a idol^ as if pars 
was found every day ? 



82 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
TIP (aside). 

Don^t you make me nervous. {Aloud.) 
And is that my par ? 

SLAP. 

Yes^ child. Me^ who took you from 
the months can vouch for it. 

TIP. 

O par! 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Keep off, you young yellow-hammer, 
or I ''11 knock you down. Hark ^e, 
ma^am. If you can assure me of the 
departure of your friend and this cub, 
I will give you the money. Por twenty 
years I have been haunted by — 

Enter Gabblewig as an old woman. 

GABBLE WIG. 

Which the blessed innocent has been 
invaygled of, and man-trapped, least- 



\ Un. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 83 

ways boy-trapped^ and never no more 
will I leave this ''ouse until I find a 
parentis ^ope^ a motlier^s pride^ and no- 
body^s (as I^m aware on) joy. 

Nightingale and Susan place chair. 

SLAP. 

What on earth is this? "Who is a 
mo therms pride and nobody^s joy? {To 
Tip.) You don^t mean to say you are ? 

TIP (solemnly). 
I ^m a horphan. {Goes up to Gabblewig.) 
"What are talking about^ you old bed- 
lam? 

GABBLEWIG (screaming and throwing arms about 
his neck). 

my ^ope ! my pride ! my son ! 

TIP (struggling). 

Your son ! 



84 MH. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

GABBLETV^IG (aside to Mm), 
If you don ^t own me for your mother, 
you villain, on the spot, I ^11 break 
every bone in your skin, and have your 
skin prepared afterwards by the Ber- 
mondsey Tanners. 

TIP. 

My master ! (Aloud.) My mother ! 
(Tke^ embrace.) 

SLAP. 

Are you mad? Am I mad? Are 
we all mad ? (To Tip.) Did n't you tell 
me that whatever I said — 

TIP (aside). 
You said ! What is your voice to 
the voice o' natur ? (Embraces his master 
again.) 

SLAP. 

Natur ! natur ! ah ! (Screams. Chair 
brought.) Q you unnatural monster ! 



Mn. nightingale's diauy. 85 

Who see your first tooth dawn on a 
deceitful world? Who watched you 
running alone in a go-cart^ and tipping 
over on your precious head upon the 
paving-stones in the confidence of child- 
hood? Who s^ive you medicine that 
reduced you when you was sick^ and 
made you so when you was n^t ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Who? Me. 

SLAP. 

You^ ma^am ? 

GABBLEWIG. 

Me^ ma^am^ as is well beknown to all 
the country round; which the name of 
this sweetest of babbies as will giv to 
his own joyful self when blessed in best 
Whitechaj)el mixed upon a pincusheon, 
and mother saved likewise was Abso- 



86 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

lorn. Arter his own parential father as 
never^ otherwise than through being bad 
in liquor, lost a day^s work in the wheel- 
wright business, which is and was but 
limited, Mr. Nightingale, being wheels 
of donkey shays and goats, and one was 
even drawed by geese for a wager, and 
went right into the centre aisle of the 
parish church on a Sunday morning on 
account of obstinacy of the animals, as 
can be certified by Mr. Wigs the beadle, 
afore he died of drawing on his Wel- 
lington boots, to which he was not 
accustomed, arter a hearty meal of beef 
and walnuts, to which he was too par- 
shal, and in the marble fountain of that 
church this preciousest of infants was 
made Absolom, which never can be un- 
made no more I am proud to say, to 
please nor give offence to no one no- 
wheres and nohows. 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 87 
SLAP. 

Would you forswear your blessed 
mother M^ria Nightingale, lawful wed- 
ded wife of this excellent old gent? 
Why don^t the voice o^ natur claim its 
par? 

NIGHTIXGALE. 

O^ don^t make me a consideration on 
any account. 

GABBLE WIG. 

M^ria Nightingale^ which affliction 
sore long time she bore — 

NIGHTINGALE. 

And so did I. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Physicians was in vain — which she 
never had none particklar as I knows 
of^ exceptin one which she tore his hair 
by handfuls out in consequence of dif- 
ferences of opinion relative to her com- 



88 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIAUY. 

plaint ; but it was written on her tomb- 
stone ten year and more ago^ and dead 
she is as the hosts of the Egyptian 
Fairies. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Dead ? Prove it^ and I ''11 give you 
£50. 

SLAP. 

Prove it ! I defies her. {Aside.) I ^m 
done. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Prove it ! which I can and will di- 
rectly minit^ by my brother the sexton^ 
as I will produce in the twinkling of 
a star or human eye. {Aside.) From 
this period of the contest Gabblewig 
had it all his own way, and went in and 
won. No money was laid out^ at any 
price^ on Formiville. Fifty to one on 
Gabblewig freely offered^ and no takers. 

[Exit. 



ME. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 89 

SLAP [aside). 

I don^t like this, so exit Slap. 

NIGHTINGALE (seizing him.) 

No^ ma^am^ you don^t leave this 
place until the mystery is cleared up. 

SLAP. 

Unhand me^ monster^ I claims my 
habeas corpus. {Breaks from hi/n. Night- 
ingale goes to the door and prepares to defend 
the pass with a chair. To Tip.) As for you^ 
traitor^ though I ^m not pugnacious^ 
I ^11 give you a lesson in the art of self- 
defence you shall remember as long as 
you live. 

TIP. 

You ! the bottle imp as has been my 
ruin ! Reduce yourself to my weight 
and I ^11 fight you for a pound. {Squares) 

gabblewig {without). 
I ^11 soon satisfy this gentleman. 



90 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

SLAP. 

Then I ^m done^ very much done ! 
I see nothing before me but premature 
incarceration^ and an old age of gruel. 

Gabblewig enters as sexton, 

NIGHTINGALE. 

He ^s very old. My invaluable cen- 
tenarian^ will you allow me to inquire — 

GABBLEWIG. 

I don^t hear. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

He's very deaf. {Aloud.) Will you 
allow me to inquire — 

GABBLEWIG. 

It ^s no use whispering to me^ sir^ 
I ^m hard of hearing. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

He ^s very provoking. {Louder^ 
Whether you ever buried — 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 91 
GABBLEWIG. 

Brewed ? Yes^ yes^ I brewed — that 
is^ me and my wife^ as has been dead 
and gone this forty year next hop-23ick- 
ing. My wife was a Kentish woman — 
we brewed^ especially one year^ the 
strongest beer yon ever drunk. It was 
called in our country Samson with his 
hair on^ alluding to its great strength, 
you understand. And my wife, she 
said — 

NIGHTINGALE (very loud). 

Buried, not brewed. 

GABBLEWIG. 

Buried ? 0, ah ! Yes, yes, buried 
a many. They was strong, too, once. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

Did you ever bury a Mrs. Nightin- 
gale? 



92 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 
GABBLEWIG. 

Ever bury a nightingale? No^ no, 
only Christians. 

NIGHTINGALE {in his ear). 

Missis — Mis-sis Nightingale. 

GABBLEWIG. 

yes, yes. Buried her — rather a 
fine woman — married, as the folks told 
me, an uncommon ugly man. Yes, yes. 
Used to live here. Here {taking out pocket- 
book), is the certificate of her burial. 
(Gives it.) I got it for my sister. O yes. 
Buried her. I thought you meant a 
nightingale. Ha, ha, ha ! 

NIGHTINGALE. 

My dear friend, there ^s a guinea, 
and it^s cheap for the money. (Gives it.) 

GABBLEWIG. 

1 thank ''e, sir, I thank ^e. (Aside.) 



MR. NIGHTIXGALE'S DIARY. 93 

Formiville heavily grassed^ and 1^000 
to 1 on Gabblewig. [_Exit. 

NIGHTINGALE (afte)' reading certificate). 

You — you inexpressible swindler. 
If you were not a woman^ I ^d have you 
ducked in the horse-pond. 

TIP (on knees). 

sir^ do it^ he deserves it. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

He? 

TIP. 

Yes^ sir^ she ^s a he. He deluded 
me with a glass of rum and water and 
the promise of a £ 5 note. 

NIGHTINGALE (to SLAP). 

You scoundrel ! 

SLAP. 

Sir^ you are welcome to your own 



94 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DTAEY. 

opinion. I am not the first man who 
has failed in a great endeavor. Napo- 
leon had his Waterloo — Slap has his 
Malvern. Henceforth I am Nobody. 
The eagle retires to his rock. 

Enter Gabble WIG- in his own dress, 

GABBLEWIG. 

You had better stop here. Be con- 
tent with plain Slap^ discard counterfeit 
Formiville^ and we ^11 do something for 
you. 

SLAP. 

Mr. Gabblewig. \Exit, 

GABBLEWIG. 

Charley Bit^ Mr. Poulter^ Captain 
Blower, respectable female, and deaf 
sexton all equally at anybody^s service. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

What do I hear? 



MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 95 
GABBLEWIG. 

Me. 

NIGHTINGALE. 

And what do I see ? 

ROSIN A (entering). 

Me ! Dear uncle_, you would have 
been imposed upon^ and plundered^ and 
made even worse than you ever made 
yourself^ but for — 

GABBLEWIG. 

Me. My dear Mr. Nightingale^ you 
did think I could do nothing but talk. 
If you now think I can act — a little — 
let me come out in a new character. 
(Embracing Rosina.) Will you ? 

NIGHTINGALE. 

"Will I? Take her, Mr. Gabblewig. 
Stop, though. Ought I to give away 
what has made me so unhappy ? Mem- 



96 MR. NIGHTINGALE'S DIARY. 

orandum — Mrs. Nightingale — see di- 
ary. (Takes out book.) 

GABBLET\^IG. 

Stop^ sir. Don^t look. Burn that 
book and be happy. {Brings on Slap.) 
Ask your doctor. What do you say^ 
Mustard and Milk ? 

SLAP. 

I say^ sir^ try me^ and when you find 
me not worth a trials don^t try me any 
more. As to that gentleman ''s destroy- 
ing his diary^ sir^ my oj)inion is that he 
might perhaps refer to it once again. 

GABBLE WIG (to audience.) 
Shall he refer to it once more. {To 
Nightingale.) Well^ I think you may. 

Curtain. 



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